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BUILDING
A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEEN
We have already mentioned one myth in this issue as it relates
to adolescence, which is that adolescence is necessarily a very stormy
period in one’s development. Research
has not verified this view for the majority of teens, but rather calls
it a period of exploration and experimentation as one moves toward
adulthood. Another myth
to be dispelled is the belief that adolescents need to be detached
from their parents in order to develop their own identities.
This particular viewpoint leads parents to the conclusion that
teenagers need to be left alone for the most part, and that peers
should be the primary group to which they relate. Along with this view
is sort of a “hands-off” policy, in which parents shy away from
conversing with their teens about their lives in an attempt not to
pry, or not to invade their privacy, which parents believe necessary
to the teen’s development. This
is a dangerous viewpoint, because it deprives the teen of the very
source of dependency, guidance, and support that is still needed from
parents during this period of transition and adjustment.
Although the peer group does take a prominent place in the
adolescent’s world, parents still play an extremely vital and
necessary role in helping the teen with the most important areas of
growth. So not only can
adolescence be successfully navigated without (or with less of) the
intense emotional and behavioral turmoil with which it has become
associated, but one of the primary factors necessary for this
successful transformation into adulthood is the very real involvement
of parents. This second point cannot be emphasized enough, particularly
in view of more recent biases that peers are the most, if not only,
real influence on adolescent development.
Now, let’s turn our attention to how parents can and should
be involved. 1.
Talk to Your Teen.
A parent must know what is going on in his or her teen’s
life, and this knowledge must be acquired continually, or updated
regularly. This is
accomplished most simply by talking to your teen on a daily basis. If you have not made a habit of this prior to adolescence, it
may be a little difficult to begin, but it can be done and should
become a regular and automatic practice. We’ll tell you what to talk
about in a minute, but first let’s establish some basic guidelines
for when and how to have regular conversation. First, pick a regular
time of day most conducive to relaxed conversation for both of you
such as dinnertime, early evening, or late afternoon, depending on
what your schedules are. Be sure to allow at least fifteen to thirty
minutes, and more if you can. The more you allow your teen to converse with you under
relaxed circumstances, the more time they will want to spend in this
activity. Secondly, adopt
an open-minded and curious attitude.
Your goal here is to find out what your teen is thinking, what
they fantasize about, what is going on with their peers and in school,
and what might be sources of distress or struggles for them.
Third, do not use this time for disciplinary discussions –
not ever! If you do, you
will see your teen begin to avoid talking to you. Keep the
disciplinary or limit-setting discussions separate.
You’ll note that I didn’t say not to have these
discussions, but just that they must not pollute your attempts to get
to know your teen well, and to build a relationship that is open and
trusting. Finally, most
of the talking should be done by the teen.
Your job is to get the conversation rolling, and then to let
them direct the flow and content of the interchange. 2.
What Do You Talk
About? This part
is a little easier. The number one subject is peers.
Most teens, given the chance, can chatter endlessly about what
goes on at school in the peer group.
If you have the type of teen that is very chatty, you only need
to ask a leading question or two, and they will eagerly provide a
detailed description of what’s going with their friends.
If you have a quieter, more introverted or secretive teen, you
can start conversations about peers in a broader sense such as what
the trends are among peers rather than about individuals.
A second good subject is to ask direct questions pertaining to
your teen’s self-image. Remember that adolescence is a time when our identities are
forming, and as such, teens have endless interest in thinking about
who they are, who they would like to be like, what their assets and
shortcomings are, and so forth. They
are hypersensitive to their appearance, and to what others think about
them. Find out who their role models are, or ask if they like the way
they look. Take whatever
they offer and expand it. If
your daughter says she thinks she’s not pretty, then find out
specifically how she arrived at that conclusion and what or who she
measures herself against. You
may uncover many things you didn’t previously know, and your
daughter will find some relief in having this discussion with you.
Third, ask about how your teen is dealing with basic areas of
struggle such as peer pressure, drug use, drinking, sexuality, etc.
It’s very unwise to avoid these subjects, as all teens must deal
with them on some level. They
need your help with these pressures, which can become daunting
depending on the school setting, peer group, and age.
The more they can be open with you about their fears, concerns,
and struggles, the better they will be able to deal with them.
Finally, encourage conversations that deal with ideals, or future
fantasies. What does your
teen think about politics, religion, current events, marriage, career,
and becoming a parent? What
does he or she think about capital punishment, welfare reform,
homelessness, global warming, and other social issues?
You might find that your teen has very strong views about some
of these things. These discussions can give you tremendous insight
into what is important to your teen, as well as how his or her mind
works in terms of higher level thinking. 3.
Be a Parent.
What is meant here is that you must maintain your role as a
parent in your relationship with your teen, as opposed to taking on
the role of a peer. You
can be a confidant and friend, but within the confines of being a
parent. This may seem
like an obvious point, but it is actually a difficult one to carry
out. There is some
confusion involved in trying to be the person who sets limits, and
also who listens with an open mind much as a friend would.
Well, the truth of the matter is that you are always a parent,
and to some degree this will color your relationship with your teen
– but that’s not a bad thing.
It is what your teen needs from you: someone who can listen and
understand, but also someone who has life experience and knowledge to
provide guidance that can’t come from peers.
A parent must also offer a safety net, even when setting limits
that seem confining at times, because it is these very limits that
keep the teen from getting too far out on a limb where they could come
to harm. Will your teen tell you everything? Absolutely not, but they will expose enough of who they are
and what’s going on that you can establish a relationship built on
trust and responsibility, and more importantly, on a positive
connectiveness that is maintained even in the event of conflict. 4.
Know Your Teen’s
Friends. It is
true that in adolescence the peer group has a tremendous impact on the
development and daily functioning of teenagers. This is inevitable and
normal. Therefore, it is important for parents to know as much as
possible about what kinds of influences are being exerted on their
teen by the peer group. The
best way to gather this knowledge, outside of direct conversations as
spelled out above, is to know who your teen’s friends are and what
they are like. An easy
way to do this is make room in your home for your teen to have friends
over. You can structure this so that rules are maintained, and you
are comfortable with the activities that go on, but at the same time,
the teens can interact and enjoy themselves in your presence. Generally there are several good friends that you see most
often. You may get to
know them very well, in fact, especially if they spend a good amount
of time at your house. You might want to include them in some of the
conversations you have with your teen as was suggested in the first
section. Most teens
welcome attention from adults who show real interest in them, and who
are willing to listen to what they have to say without trying so hard
to impose their own views first.
You can extend your knowledge also by moving out of the house
into the sphere of school activities, or extra-curricular activities. If you have a teen that plays a sport, attend the games and
get to know all the players. You’ll
learn a great deal about your teen and his or her friends this way, as
well as show your support and interest in your teen’s
accomplishments. A final instruction as we close this article has to do with the right parental attitude necessary to building and strengthening one’s relationship with their teen. Here it is: You must be willing to see your teen as close to the way that he or she actually is as opposed to the way you would like him/her to be. This can be quite difficult, because parents are highly subject to feelings of guilt if they feel their children display problematic behavior or characteristics. Parents also have a tendency to want to see their children as “chips off the old block.” Understand that your teen has his or her own individual temperament, characteristics, tendencies, ideas and beliefs, views, and so on. Some are like yours, some are not. Know what these are, and then you will be in a position to have the greatest as well as most positive influence on your teen. Moreover, you will build and preserve a relationship that lasts well into adulthood. Receive
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