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TOP
TEN LIST FOR MANAGING YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR
The following is our top ten list of guidelines for managing
your child’s behavior. While
we consider each of them to be equally important, we purposely listed
the first three ahead of the others as we consider these to provide
the base upon which parents can successfully manage children’s
behavior. 1.
Parent/Child Relationship – We put this one at the
top of the list because all of the others are dependent upon it.
Basically, if you have not established a solid attachment
between you and your child that is characterized primarily by positive
regard (on your part), you do not have the foundation necessary from
which to successfully manage behavior.
Children do what their parents say primarily, because they care
what their parents think of them or how they feel about them. 2.
Spending Time – This one goes along with the one
above. You must spend time with your child on a regular basis that
is not centered around behavioral problems, and this time should be
used for play, conversation, and in general, relationship-building
activities. The more
loved and understood your child feels by you, the easier it will be to
manage his or her behavior. 3.
Developmental Knowledge – Be sure that you know
what your child is actually capable of doing depending on his or her
age. Very often parents
personalize their children’s misbehavior as something they are
“doing on purpose.” Sometimes
this is true, but more often the behavior is quite natural for the
developmental age. Knowing
this helps you look at behavior management more objectively and less
reactively. 4.
Clear Delineation of Rules – This may seem like a
given, but it is very easy to find yourself in the position of
waffling on rules you have set. Likewise,
it is equally problematic if you do not state every part of the rule
in a clear and concise way. Don’t
lump a lot of rules together, especially for younger children.
Make one very clear statement.
The younger the child is, the more exact the wording must be. 5.
Positive Reinforcement – Use positive
reinforcement whenever possible.
This is most helpful when a child successfully behaves in the
way you have prescribed. Be careful, however, not to use material inducements for good
behavior (such as buying new toys, etc.).
Reinforcements should be centered around feelings of
self-esteem, accomplishment, and cooperation.
Do something with your child such as play a game, go to the
park, or simply give verbal praise and appreciation 6.
Providing Consequences – For rules that don’t
seem to be followed using positive reinforcement, the parent must
establish consequences for failure to comply.
These must be realistic, match the nature of the infraction,
and teach something if at all possible.
Further, they must be consistently enforced.
Start with small, time-limited consequences, and then slowly
increase the time or intensity of the consequence for repeating the
same infractions. When
you can, use natural consequences.
An example would be having your child work to earn the money to
replace something he or she has destroyed. 7.
Repetition – Repetition is an integral part of all
learning and mastery. “If
at first you don’t succeed, try again.”
Decide how many times you will repeat a command before acting
on it. It really
shouldn’t be more than two or three times for the smaller child, and
less for the older child. You
might start by giving a warning of what will happen if the rule is not
followed, and then following through with your consequence after the
warning is ignored. 8.
Consistency – This is another given, but perhaps
the most difficult to facilitate.
Consistency in rules, and consistency in following through with
consequences, are both extremely important.
Children naturally look for those loopholes, such as trying
your patience when you’re tired, but these are the times consistency
is most important, and effective. 9.
Parental Accord – If two parents are involved,
they must be in accord with what the rules are, what the consequences
are, and what the procedures are for carrying out these consequences.
Never let a child restate what the other parent has said
without first checking to be sure of the accuracy of the statements,
and be sure that you and your partner are in complete agreement with
rules before trying to enforce them. 10.
Model Behavior – As always, who you are and how
you act is the most potent guide and teacher for your child.
Treat him/her with respect in all situations, and strive to
manage his/her behavior with a calm attitude that comes from your
understanding that self-control is ultimately necessary and good for
your child.
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