When we are having a conflict with someone, or a disagreement, or even an argument, one of the most difficult things to do is actually listen to what the other person is saying. As they talk, we are usually already formulating our response. That’s especially true if we don’t like what we’re hearing. We are taking a defensive stance meaning that we feel the need to counteract whatever is being said quickly because we really don’t agree with it. We also want to get our point across. Let’s be honest; most of us have difficulty in suspending our own point of view long enough to really listen and try to understand what the other person is really saying or how they are feeling. You might even be thinking, “Well yeah, but that’s because their point of view is totally off!” That may be, but unless you can figure out a way to make the other person feel like you have some interest in hearing them, you will lose their attention and there’s not a chance that the conflict will be resolved. Worse, it will probably escalate and maybe become emotionally heated. Once that happens, the conversation is over.

So what to do? You have to drop back, take a deep breath, and make a decision that you are going to really listen and make the other person feel understood. How? You suspend trying to get your point of view across for the time being, and direct your attention totally to what the other person is saying. As they talk, you repeat back to them what you think they have said or what you think they mean. You ask questions and encourage them to expand on what they are saying. As they talk, you show a genuine interest in trying to find out what their point of view is, as well as how they feel about it. Both parts are important: the content and the feeling.

What you’ll find is that if you do this successfully, the other person will calm down and move from a defensive stance to a more connected, communicative stance. This is true even you don’t like what you are hearing. The point is this: just because you listen and attempt to understand what their point of view is does not mean that you agree with them. This is really important to get through your mind and remember. I think what happens most of the time is that all of us feel that if we show any attention or interest in that point of view that we really don’t like, don’t embrace, and surely don’t agree with, then just by attending we are losing our own ground in the conversation. Actually, the opposite is true. The quicker and more intensely we defend our point of view, the quicker we lose the other person and actually create an atmosphere of tension, anger, hostility and disconnection. Listening does not equal agreement. So the next time you get into a conflict with a spouse, child, friend, or co-worker, temporarily suspend defending your own point of view and work at understanding theirs first. Once they feel that you really know what they are saying, then you can say that you would like a chance now to talk about what you think or feel about the issue. You are much more likely to get their cooperation in listening, and if you don’t, point out that you have listened carefully to them first and you would like the same cooperation.

It doesn’t always work, especially if one person is totally closed off from hearing anything other than their own thoughts, but most of us will consider what someone else has to say if we feel like they have taken the time to understand us as well.