A: Thank you for your question. Forgetfulness is a natural occurrence for children between the ages of five and eight, so it could be that you are just seeing some normal developmental processes. Children this age often forget to bring items home from school, lose items, and may forget to complete tasks they have been told to do. To figure out whether your daughter has ADD, you would need to get a full evaluation. Kids with ADD have more than the normal forgetfulness, and most importantly the problems manifest at both home and school. For now, you might want to work on ways to help your daughter remember things such as attaching notes to her backpack, reminding her often and throughout the day, and so forth. If you feel that she is having problems with attention as well as with memory, then by all means seek an evaluation. You should be able to get someone at the school to recommend an evaluator. Keep in mind that ADD has a number of symptoms besides forgetfulness, and you want to carefully assess whether all of those symptoms are present in order to distinguish ADD from normal developmental concerns.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: I am the step-mom of an 11-year-old girl. Her mother is very absent in her life (by the mother's choice) and I see my stepdaughter struggling with loving me and/or being loyal to her mother. I know that she will always love her mother no matter what. How can I support her and show her it's normal to feel confused without allowing her to be disrespectful to me?

A: As you have correctly identified, you and your stepdaughter are struggling with the very common problem of loyalty conflicts children sometimes feel when developing a relationship with a stepparent. Inevitably as a child begins to have feelings of affection for the stepparent, they experience accompanying feelings of guilt over what they perceive as their emotional abandonment of the biological parent. The issue becomes an either/or situation meaning that if they develop feelings of liking or love for the stepparent, they are automatically being disloyal to the natural parent.

Loyalty conflicts such as these are most easily resolved when the divorce between the natural parents has been amicable allowing for continued collaborative parenting. A second factor that is helpful is a good working relationship between the biological parent and the stepparent. As the child sees her biological parent embrace the stepparent, she interprets this as permission to bring the stepparent into her circle of affection also. Moreover, amicable relationships between all of the parents involved create an atmosphere in which the child is encouraged to express her confusion and guilt in order to resolve it.

The absence of the biological parent leaves the child with a number of special problems including: (1) having to deal with her sense of loss and rejection without the necessary emotional tools and support; (2) needing to idealize that parent in order to preserve the bond that has taken a hit from the abandonment; and (3) feeling extremely guilty when having positive feelings toward the stepparent. This is precisely your stepdaughter's situation. If she has feelings of affection toward you, then it signifies to her that she has let go of her mother. If she feels anger at her mother for abandoning her, the anger further distances her from the mother that isn't there thus making the loss more permanent. It's a no-win situation for her that leaves you in the unenviable position of becoming the new object of anger since the biological parent is not available. As the substitute parent, you have the dual role of symbolizing the loss and serving as an emotional container for the rejection your stepdaughter feels.

My suggestion is to work with her on verbalizing her confusion and conflicted feelings. You are right in maintaining the rule of no disrespect, but during times when she is not in conflict with you, you could approach her and try initiating a conversation about what it feels like to be without her mother. By helping her talk about this, you can form a better alliance with her without her feeling that you're trying to take her mother's place. Depending on how well these conversations go, you could also encourage her to talk some about the confusion involved in having both a mother and stepmother. If you have personal examples to use, that would be helpful. Her father's involvement in some of these conversations is recommended as he is the link to the family that once was, and as such offers an emotional bridge for his daughter in mourning the loss. Counseling for your stepdaughter might be helpful as well as for you and your husband to provide some hands on assistance in working through the situation.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: My son won't stop sleeping with me. He's six years old and will be seven next month. If he doesn't sleep with me, I have to stay with him until he falls asleep. This can take hours. If I tiptoe out of the room, he wakes up soon after. Also, I cannot take a bath alone for more than ten minutes without him crying outside the bathroom door. I cannot work in my office for more than five minutes by myself without his whining until I quit. I'm stressed out with this situation. Please help!

A: Based on the information you have given, it would seem that the primary motivation for your son's clingy behavior is to get your attention. Attention seeking can occur for any number of reasons, but regardless, there are some steps you can take to alleviate the problem. First, establish a special playtime for you and your son on a weekly basis. The playtime should be 30 to 45 minutes long and should occur on the same day (or evening) each week, at the same time, and in the same place. The preferable location is your son's room. During this time, take your phone off the hook and lock the doors. This can be a ritual that you and your son participate in together in preparation for the special time.

During the playtime, let your son know that he is the boss and can choose whatever you are going to do for the time. Usual activities are playing with toys, engaging in pretend play, reading together, artwork, etc. Avoid watching television, as this is not really an interactive activity. The only rules to be observed during the special time are that there can be no hitting, kicking, or other hurtful behaviors, and nothing can be destroyed (such as tearing up books or breaking toys). Also, be sure that under no circumstances is this time to be used for disciplinary discussions or lectures.

Once your son gets used to the time, he will look forward to it and will be able to anticipate having this special attention from you, which should reduce his need to have it at every moment. Conversely, it is very important not to skip the time or deviate from the schedule after it has been established unless absolutely necessary (as in the case of illness). You want to offer something your son can depend and rely upon.

The second strategy involves taking control of your time versus the time you spend with your son. When you need to work in the office, let your son know what you are going to do and for how long. Plan with him what he can do during that time to entertain himself. You might even suggest that he play "office" by setting up a play office scene with materials he can use to draw, write, color, or whatever is of interest to him. This allows him to be with you by doing something similar. Remind him of when you will be spending some time with him again so that he can begin to look forward to it. Let him know exactly what you expect in terms of his behavior while you are working, and what the consequences will be if he does not comply. Make this an agreement between the two of you. Then, when he comes to office door to interrupt, remind him of the agreement you have made and emphasize again that you will be spending time with him later. If he continues to interrupt, follow through with the consequences. Your consequences may simply be that you ignore his whining until it subsides or you might put him in a brief time-out. The first several times you try this, your son is likely to raise the pitch of his whining and act out even more. This is natural considering you are letting him know that his usual methods of getting your attention are not going to work. You may find yourself sitting in your office for that first half-hour gritting your teeth, but it will pay off once you establish the new pattern. Use this same methodology for each situation that arises until your son begins to understand that whining and crying will not get the result he is seeking, which is to have your attention. At the same time, he will learn that he can rely on having your full attention under the right circumstances.

In terms of the sleeping problems you mentioned, your son absolutely should not be sleeping with you at his age. Please refer to the article entitled "Bedtime Strategies" on this website for assistance in solving this problem.

I would like to add one further comment, which goes back to my original statement that attention seeking can occur for any number of reasons. When children seem overly demanding and clingy, it is important to try and figure out what these reasons might be. Parents need to do some detective work in this regard and go over recent events to see if there are any clues. Questions to ask are "Is the behavior a new one or has it been going on for a long time? Can you pinpoint a time when it started, and if so, can you link that to some change in the child's life, or in your life? Is this a behavior that occurs only at home, or also at school? Is your child able to entertain himself contentedly when you're not around?" These questions are aimed at trying to uncover possible underlying causes of the behavior as well as provide some guidance as to what kinds of changes you might make that could help the situation. For example, if a you recently separated from your husband, it would not be surprising that your child could be feeling anxious, insecure, and sad, all of which might cause him to become clingy and whiny. Or maybe it's something simpler such as his changing schools, your starting a new job that takes more of your time and energy, or moving to a new home. In all of these cases, some conversation around the child's feelings about the changes in his life could be helpful.

One other possibility is that your son is used to having your attention whenever he seeks it, and as such, has not developed his capacity to self entertain. He may need some assistance in developing these new skills. Generally, seven-year-old children should be able to spend time playing alone for an hour (more or less) without needing much attention from parents. You may need to help your son develop his ability to entertain himself by structuring him using the methods offered above.

Always keep in mind that if a problem behavior continues in spite of your best efforts, it is wise to seek some professional counseling for more individualized assistance.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: I'm a single mom and live alone with my 12-year-old son. I have always helped him with his homework, and more so over the last year since he began middle school. Lately it seems like we get into a lot of struggling over the homework. The more I help him, the more he seems to resent me and now he's even doing worse in school. What should I do?

A: Thank you for your question. It touches on several issues that come up often in dealing with homework, particularly for parents who are accustomed to providing a great deal of homework assistance. First, what can happen over time is that as you work with your son on schoolwork, you may find yourself becoming overly invested in his academic performance to the exclusion of other aspects of his life. Doing homework begins to take precedence over other types of conversations and interactions that have been the cornerstone of your relationship with your son.

Eventually he may react by trying to avoid you while also feeling so much pressure to perform that your assistance can have the opposite effect from what was intended.
A second problem may be that your style of learning is quite different from your son's. You may be trying to teach him to approach the work in a way that is comfortable and has been successful for you, but doesn't necessarily work well for him. For example, he may do better with shorter study periods, written instructions as opposed to verbal instructions, big picture subjects as opposed to detailed subjects, and so forth. For any child, it is important to ascertain what your child's best style of learning is and how that can be applied to studying and homework. You might want to check with an educational consultant for help in this area.

Third, your son is dealing with a number of new and rather awesome demands in his first year of middle school. He may be feeling these demands as somewhat overwhelming and find that he can't rise to the occasion as he could in elementary school. You can find out about this by directly asking him how he's feeling about being in middle school, and how he's coping with all of the new demands.

Last, it is important to take note of your son's age and developmental stage. In your case, your twelve-year-old young man is most likely feeling the need to place some emotional distance between himself and you as he moves through puberty. I refer you to our previous article "Mothers and Sons" for more explanation regarding this. My advice is to seek out tutoring from someone who serves a more neutral place in your son's life. This can be another relative, teacher, peer, or professional tutor. Let the tutor take over most of the study activities with your son while you focus on maintaining and enhancing the parent-child relationship through more relaxed conversation and interaction. You will both feel better, and the academics will eventually improve.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: My 17-year-old daughter has a job that requires her to work some weekday nights. Sometimes it's midnight before she has all her work completed and is home. She works to make her car payments, which a reasonable $60 per month. She is also saving money for a school trip and college. I applaud her ambition and work ethic, but am concerned that she underestimates her own limitations and that her grades will begin to suffer. Her coming in late also effects my sleeping. Should I let her continue to work or restrict her to weekends only?

A: Your daughter sounds responsible and certainly is working hard to meet her car payments and plan for the future. I can understand her desire to continue, however, your concerns are also reasonable and make sense. I would imagine you have talked to her about your concerns, but if not, this would be a good first step. Let her know what your concerns are and give her equal time to explain why she wants to continue working at her current schedule. One option is to allow her to work on weeknights as long as her grades don't fall, and as long as she keeps up with any other responsibilities she previously had. Make an agreement that if she finds herself unable to study and attend to schoolwork at the same level as she has so far, then she will willingly change her schedule to work weekends only. If she can comfortably do both and still gets enough sleep, etc., then you might want to allow her to continue.

As for interrupting your sleep, is there any way that the two of you could solve this problem? It is a difficult dilemma as parents usually don't sleep well until their kids are in at night and this is a drawback that may be hard to solve, but again perhaps you can come up a with a solution together if you address it jointly. Pinpoint what exactly awakens you when she comes home and see if you can eliminate the problem.

Whatever you decide, I think you will get the best cooperation if you work with her to negotiate the solutions to the problems rather than dictate them. I say this because of her age and track record. You want to reward her initiative and sense of responsibility, so including her in an adult discussion to work on the problems shows your recognition of her maturity and contribution. Not only will you get greater cooperation, but you will also be assisting her in developing good problem-solving skills.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: My 7th grade daughter is becoming self-centered and rude. The rudeness shows up in her consistent condescending and disrespectful treatment of her younger brothers. The other day her six-year-old brother was eagerly telling her something about his day, and she responded with "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure right, okay . . ." and then turned away from him as though she could care less. If anyone talks about an issue that is a problem for someone besides her, she often replies with an unrelated remark about herself such as "I need clear mascara." I am becoming quite frustrated with her behavior and need some adolescent guidance!

A: I am guessing that your daughter is about 12 or 13 years of age and has entered puberty. More than likely she is experiencing some rather dramatic changes in her appearance and bodily functions that are transforming her from a young girl into a young woman. With the added hormonal fluctuations, she is probably also showing some signs of moodiness at times.

Young adolescents are entering into a process of profound change on a physical, emotional, and intellectual level, all of which is aimed at initiating the second phase of individuation (the first began at 18 months), that will ultimately lead to the solidifying of a personal identity that is both separate from and inclusive of the family. What's important to understand is that before one can individuate (form a separate identity), they must first undergo a process of separation, and in this case, it means a separation from the parents and family.

A central task of early adolescence is to make a shift from the family as one's central focus of love and attachment to the peer group, other adults, and the wider community. In order to facilitate that process, young teens often devalue the very family that has served as the home base and warm cocoon from which they experience the world. As elementary school children, they began to take steps out into the world of peers, but as young adolescents, they must now make a more intimate identification with peers in order to extend themselves beyond the family. The problem is that they often become very self-centered, self-involved, and generally narcissistic as they begin the separation phase. It is as though they have to gather up all of their emotional energy and move it away from the family in order to reinvest it outward. One of the ways this becomes manifest is in the type of behavior you are observing in your daughter, which is exemplary of her need to devalue her family including her brothers. It's really a three-part process: First there is separation facilitated by devaluation of what was (the family and parents). Secondly, the adolescent's psychological energy is invested primarily in the self, causing them to temporarily become quite self-involved and narcissistic. Finally, this narcissistic energy becomes reinvested in others outside of the family through a process of identification, and trial and error.

Your daughter will pick and choose various peers, groups, ideas, other adults such as teachers and coaches, and even ideologies that she will try on to see if they fit. Eventually, she will make her selections and also reach back and draw upon the identifications she has made with her family in order to solidify her own sense of self. When that has been accomplished, there will no need to devalue her family, or anyone else for that matter, as she will be comfortable with who she is and appreciate where she has come from.

In the meantime, you need to keep in mind what she is trying to accomplish while at the same time help her incorporate empathy into her development. This can be difficult because these two tasks seem to collide at times, but it is important to be sure that her sense of compassion and empathy keeps up with her current need for self-involvement. When she behaves as you have described above, you need to make it clear that she cannot respond to anyone in the family in a way that is hurtful or harmful. Secondly, impress upon her to think about what it would feel like to be in the other person's shoes. How would she feel, for example, if you responded to her chatter about friends and her day with the same disinterest and condescension that she levied upon her younger brother. Her feelings would be hurt, and she would feel unimportant. You must remind her of this during each interaction where she displays this type of behavior. You can extend these conversations to her interactions with peers, especially in regard to situations where her feelings have been hurt by friends.

What you are doing is consistently drawing upon her higher level thinking to look beyond herself and consider others' interests. Eventually, she will move beyond this stage, however, the work you have done in assisting her to solidify her conscience will form a very healthy base for her expanded personality.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: What is a good curfew for my daughters (one is 13 and one is 15), in a town of about 5,000 where there is a low crime-rate and the town is safe?

A: There is no exact formula for figuring out the right curfew, but the general considerations are as follows: (1) What is the level of trust established between you and your teen? (2) Where will they be and with whom? (3) Are there rules established regarding changes of plans such as calling you or getting permission ahead of time? (4) Will other adults be available, and are these people you know and feel capable of providing the necessary supervision? The primary issue is one of safety, not only in terms of the surrounding environment, but also in terms of the activities pursued and the influence of the peer group. Independence is a major development during adolescence, however, parents need to consider the capability and level of maturity of teens when establishing boundaries within which that independence can grow and blossom. In general, your 13-year-old will require a slightly earlier curfew than the 15-year-old. Secondly, keep in mind that activities that occur later than 11 p.m. are usually aimed more toward adult activity unless at another peer's home. Finally, take particular care to make sure that transportation is provided by a trustworthy and mature person, preferably one of the parents.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: My husband and I are finding ourselves at odds on discipline issues. We have two sons, one 13 months old and one 3 years old. My question is about our oldest. Over the past several months, I have seen my son's behavior changing. He is getting difficult to handle, manipulates to get his way, and throws tantrums when we try and set limits. I am a stay-at-home mom, so I am intimately involved with his daily behavior problems. My husband works long hours and when he gets home at night, he wants to avoid placing too many restrictions on our son because he hasn't seen him all day. At the same time I hear him giving my son repeated warnings that are usually ignored. My husband thinks our son will grow out of these behavior problems and we should do nothing about them. I feel that we as parents need to come together and lay down some limits and boundaries in our son's daily life so that we are all happier. Is this what we should expect from the terrible twos?

A: Actually, you and your husband are both right. Let me explain. The terrible twos more often then not extends well into the threes, and in fact I have found that the worst part of this stage takes place between the ages of 3 and 3½. It is as though the struggle for autonomy reaches a sort of crescendo over this six-month period, and as this occurs, the child also feels increased separation anxiety. All of this results in some rather tumultuous behavior and very often leads to temper tantrums. At the same time, it is not too early to set some limits, and actually you really should do this so that you set the stage for good behavioral habits as your child gets older. The trick is to set limits that are reasonable with the understanding that some temper tantrums are going to occur. Your son is really not old enough to make a lot of use of consequences yet, but you can begin with some very short-term solutions that let him know you are going to follow through with limits. As in all kinds of discipline, you and your husband need to come to an agreement about what the rules are and what kinds of limits need to be set. Once agreed, you can decide how you are going to enforce them. You can begin using very limited timeouts for several minutes per episode as long as the timeout is conducted so that your son can still see you from where he sits.

Another idea is to walk through the tasks you want him to do. For example, if you want him to pick up some of his toys, you can take his hand and guide him through the process giving him positive feedback all the while, but not allowing him to pull back from the task until it is finished. You might even have to pick him up while he's resisting or crying and take him to each toy, have him lean down and pick it up, take it to the toy box, and then on to the next. The idea is to let him know that there is no choice in the matter. The key is to stay calm, keep your voice level, and be persistent until he has complied with the request. If he is used to getting out of such situations with tantrums, he has learned to manipulate. Even three-year-olds catch on to this quite quickly. It's normal and a sign of your son's ingenuity. Also, you want to begin to avoid the habit of repeating requests. Say it once and if need be, stand in front of your son until he follows through, or remove him from the situation until he cool's off and then return to the task until it is completed. By saying something only once, you are training him to listen while also sending the message that the request is non-negotiable.

I would suggest getting a copy of Stanley Greenspan's First Feelings and Building Healthy Minds. Both of these books offer excellent information about the emotional and intellectual development of children between the ages of birth and four. Another good choice is Positive Parenting for Preschoolers by Jane Nelson. I think you will find that all three of these resources offer positive approaches to discipline that are effective and take into consideration your son's developmental stage.

Whatever you decide, it is very important that you and your husband present a consistent and unified approach. Even at the age of three, children can sense when they are able to get between two parents.

One final thought is to be sure that you set aside time each day for free play with your son that is devoid of discipline struggles. Get his toys down on the floor and give him your full attention for 20 or 30 minutes. You will find that this sort of attention on a regular basis will reduce the number of disciplinary problems encountered throughout the day.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

Q: I feel that my twelve-year-old son's father is hugging and kissing our son way too much. He does it a lot in public and my son really doesn't like it. I think this isn't good for his self-image since he is getting older and becoming a teen. What do you think? What would be proper guidelines for this type of behavior during early adolescence?

A: Generally, kids who are moving into their teens (11 and up) prefer to have less physical contact with their parents. This is totally natural and a necessary development. It is common for them to no longer like their parents to hug and kiss them in the way that was acceptable when they were younger, and this is particularly true in public places. Young teens are beginning to embark upon a period of establishing their independence and autonomy as well as form their identities. To do this, they need to place some distance between themselves and their parents. This doesn't mean that parents should stop interacting with their young teens, but it does mean respecting their need for some distance. One of the ways this distance is accomplished is to avoid much physical contact between parent and child. This is especially true in front of peers or in public places. Make use of regular conversation and your interest in your son's life to maintain your emotional connection. Take your son's cues in regard to physical displays of affection. You will aid him in his overall development with this approach.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

A: It appears that your dilemma is one of trying to discriminate between transient moodiness related to the establishment of boundaries and limits, and a more chronic expression of underlying depression. It might help to understand that during the years between six and ten, children generally react well to limit-setting provided that the existing relationship between the parents and child is intact, and enough positive interaction takes place on a regular basis. Signs of depression in young children should be taken seriously, particularly if a constellation of symptoms are observed such as sleep disturbances, eating problems, physical complaints such as tummy aches or headaches, excessive crying, low self-esteem, chronic statements of low self-worth, or general sadness that seems unrelated to obvious events. You might try initiating a discussion with your daughter to see if you can uncover what kinds of feelings she is experiencing, as well as what the source of these feelings might be, e. g., problems with peers at school, not enough time with you, and so forth. If you continue to notice ongoing depressive symptoms, then it would be wise to seek some assistance from a qualified counselor. You could start by making an appointment for you and your husband to discuss the problem, and then go from there. Be sure when choosing a counselor to select someone that is licensed and has experience with children.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.

A: If the behavior is intentional, which it sounds like it is from your description, then you might want to try and figure out what the motivation is behind it. Most likely, your three-year-old is jealous of your attention to the new baby. Another possibility has to do with his general developmental age. A lot of toddlers seem to experience the height of the terrible twos between the ages of 3 and 3½ and they become somewhat unruly and difficult to handle. If the behavior doesn't fit in with that, but seems more isolated and directed specifically at your interaction with the baby, then I would guess it's more a case of sibling jealousy. In that case, try talking to your son about how he feels when you give the baby attention and especially when you are feeding her. Use simple language he can understand. Try stating his feelings for him with some probing questions such as "Do you feel sad (mad) when mommy feeds the baby?" "Do you wish you were still mommy's little baby?" and so forth. That might not stop the behavior, but it gives you something to refer to when he does it. Then you can take some time to reassure him of your love and maybe come up with a way he can have some special attention from you at a different time in exchange for his being quiet while feeding the baby. You could also enlist his support as the "big boy" or older child in being quiet during the feeding, or perhaps have him help you sing songs softly so that he gets to participate instead of feeling left out. Maybe after baby is sleeping, he could have a special 15- minute playtime with you. All of these things could help relieve him of his sense of being left out and should change his behavior.

Disclaimer: All responses are intended for educational and information purposes only. They are not to serve as a substitute for face to face psychotherapy or psychological consultation with a qualified professional. Please consult a licensed mental health professional in the event of any persistent parenting, family, or child related problem.